Phish fans frequently get generalized-about, ignorantly, by the media. Are we a bunch of delinquents? Take this basic 15-question quiz to see if the media is right about YOU.

If appropriate, select multiple answers, because you get points for each answer choice other than (A).

If you cannot truthfully answer any of a question's answer choices, because you can't recall or otherwise, you get ZERO points for that question.

Please COMMENT with your (honest) scores so that we can demonstrate convincingly to all readers that at least online Phish fans are law-abiding, conscientious, and courteous citizens, who genuinely care about the public welfare.

A = zero points.
B = one (1) point.
C = two (2) points.
D = three (3) points.
E = four (4) points.

(Maximum of ten (10) points per question.)


Did you ever smoke?

A. No.
B. Yes, cigarettes.
C. Yes, weed.
D. Yes, bath salts.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever beg or pray to G_d (or Allah or IT or Icculus) to get you out of trouble just this once?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, while in police custody.
D. Yes, while in jail/prison.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever host a touring rock band in your home?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I received a lesson on [instrument(s), including vacuum, washboard, and/or bag-vac].
D. Yes, and my family lost our home as a result.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever vomit on a law enforcement officer, an attorney, and/or a Judge? (Not including yourself if you are a cop, attorney or Judge.)

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least twice.
D. Yes, and I got extra time in jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever detonate a series of explosive devices?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I permanently disfigured myself.
D. Yes, and I permanently disfigured two or more people.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever steal money from your parents in order to buy illegal drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least $500.
D. Yes, and they found out about it and had me arrested.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get so drunk you literally went blind?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I was driving at the time.
D. Yes, and I regained consciousness in a hospital, handcuffed to the bed.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex on your parents' bed?

A. No.
B. Yes, more than once.
C. Yes, and I still live at home.
D. Yes, and I have been caught doing so by one or both of my parents.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever sell drugs?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, to an undercover cop.
D. Yes, and I went to jail/prison for it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever set fire to, and/or steal, a car?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and (at least) once it was a police car.
D. Yes, and I was so drunk I didn't realize there were people inside it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever run from the police?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, at least three times.
D. Yes, and I spent extra time in jail/prison because of it.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever have sex in a school and/or a house of worship?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, with a teacher and/or priest.
D. Yes, and I was "acting" in a porn film.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever get high in a police station?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, and I still can't recall why I was there in the first place.
D. Yes, and I was high for more than 24 hours.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Did you ever commit a crime while in handcuffs for (allegedly) having committed another crime?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, more than once.
D. Yes, and I was high.
E. Yes, and I was shot while doing so.


Are you high now?

A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes, on DMT.
D. Yes, on bath salts.
E. Yes, and I have just been shot.


If your score is ...

0 - 10 points: You are not and have never been a delinquent. You're also probably a good person. Be proud of yourself.

11 - 20 points: You're a fairly normal fan of rock music, despite modest delinquency, and intermittent douchebaggery. Be proud of yourself.

21-30 points: You are or were a delinquent. But since you cared (or were bored) enough to take this quiz, you can't be all that bad. Be proud of yourself.

31+ points: You are in prison, on parole, an ex-con, and/or an extremely fortunate SOB who should count your blessings every day. That said, be proud of yourself, since at least you are more or less literate, and have sufficient mastery of your faculties to take a quiz that requires basic addition skills as a component. But double-check your math all the same, and certainly before you COMMENT and be accused of lying about your obscene score.

If you liked this blog post, one way you could "like" it is to make a donation to The Mockingbird Foundation, the sponsor of Phish.net. Support music education for children, and you just might change the world.